The Muted Bravado of a SMG

Clubbing. (Or My Damn Blog.)

I know I'm a little late, but I can't believe maia got knocked out. Jeez. But well she was getting quite formulaic. And i guess having non-voting apathetic jerks, such as yours truly, for fans, won't get you up through the idol popularity contest.. Hey but I'm looking forward to checking her out in pubs and stuff! Especially since my favourite "local" band, Ublues, is ending their run for a few years.. Damn I wanted to go for that Made in Singapore concert (they were one of the performers) but I couldn't.. Why? Stuck at home with my foot in a cast.

Hurts like crap too. Hai.

Well. Anyone seen that dettol shampoo commercial? With that mother who cares a lot for her children and worries about what might be happening in their hair? Whats with it? if my kids get rained on, I'd be worried about much more than microorganisms festering in their hair. Like microorganisms festering in their lungs, for example.

(Sorry I jump around when I blog. This is how I blog. I leave notepad open, and I start writing. Then I watch tv. And carry on. Anything I see on TV that I wanna put down, well, i put down. My damn blog.)

Watching "Driven" now. Its actually one of my favourite shows. Yea i know its actually pretty lousy and cheesy, but hey its about MOTOR RACING. And motor racing rocks! Okay, so its Cart Racing and not Formula 1, but, its still damn fast and damn cool. S'funny though, all the cameos by the real cart drivers when the show was filmed. Such as Mario Andretti, and Juan Pablo Montoya. Which is interesting, cos Juan Pablo Montoya just won an F1 race last night.

Everyone has dream occupations, right? And mine would either to be a world class musician or a world class racer. Oh yea baby. I love music, and performing, but the speed, the adrenaline, the ego rush, the whole machismo thing.. too cool.

True Files tonight! The Pulau Senang trial. Interesting! Especially because I do bombing training there relatively often. Its quite a pretty place actually.



Took the above photo on Pulau Senang, of course.

Well. Now to blogging proper. Couple of days ago, think it was sat afternoon, my friend sent me an sms, something like hey are you in condition to go clubbing? Well, a tad tactless maybe, but appreciated nonetheless. Point is though, I've been wondering. Whats with the club scene?

I'm just focusing on Singapore, which is all i'm familiar with really. I've been to KL to club once, and i've heard of happening globe clubbing experiences from some aircrew, but that wouldn't really constitute grounds for a discussion.

So. In Singapore, the club scene kinda sucks. Really. Music is all about the same, lots of techno, lots of house, and not really much else. Very blah. And I've been to basically every major club in town, including those I shouldn't be able to get in to. But whats the difference in all these clubs? Music is all about the same. Decor may differ but its not like you can really tell when you're mabo and seh and drunk. Drinks being drunk are all the same too, breezers, housepours, flaming lambos, blah. All people chatting up people, people drinking, people puking, people jiggling on bar tops.. Only thing different I can tell, really, is the age of the crowd. Like 15 year olds at Chinablack and 50 year olds at Devils Bar.

Urgh. Don't even get me started on the pathetics who go mambo night. Not people who go Phuture or Velvet, of course. I'm talking about so-called mambosexuals as a newspaper feature some time ago proclaimed. Synchronising their dancing with those para para movements like they're in an arcade or in a bloody Bollywood movie or something. Except ugly, cos those north Indians look pretty good.

Only thing funnier (or more pathetic) i've seen is a bunch of Japanese dressed as Elvis dancing synchronised to Blue Suede Shoes. I think it was from the Peoplewatching documentary. Anyone whos interested in human nature should check it out.

I'm opinionated. So sue me. My damn blog.

So why do -I- club then? Since I bloody quite hate clubbing in singapore? I don't know. Lonely I guess. Its fun to revel in the atmosphere, breathe in the crowd (metaphorically speaking. BO is pretty bad in outdoor parties though. Do NOT party outdoors.), feel the shit music pounding in your head. Especially when you get high and all the colours are so pretty. Before the alcohol poisoning kicks in, anyway. And dancing is pretty fun too, when (and this is rare) the music is good. Not that the music matters when you're high la, but still. Kinda fun to move with the beat, specially when you dance well.

Whats it with people who can't dance? Is it that difficult to just move with the beat? Don't swing your arms around like you're trying to swat flies, or shove your bony hips around thinking you're hot when you look more like a drag queen. And I especially hate sluts. Like those girls who grind themselves against you or throw their arms around you when you've never even seen them before. Dammit.

A psychic on American Top Model? Pardon my lack of faith, but I find psychics deal too much in vague generalities. Its like horoscopes. But I suppose it does give people hope.

However, good psychics and fortunetellers, i find their usually great at peoplewatching, judging them from body language, appearance, etc. Or great practitioners of the spin, at least.

I guess, one big reason why people club is to socialise. Or socialise by proxy. By that i mean, even if you don't meet anyone, the fact that you're dancing in the same club, moving to the same beats, drinking from the same dirty glasses (anyone ever notice how they wash the damn glasses?), you're sort of upping your social points. Just being there, I guess, you're part of IT. Whatever IT is. Of course, being able to meet people is much better, but seems like most local guys (or at least the ones i know) don't really have the guts to approach girls.

Oh this is good, I should talk about how local guys approach girls. These are the tactics I've observed:

1) The "Can I Buy You A Drink"
The guy has no other charms so attempts to buy his way into the girls good books. Or, he uses it to break the ice cos he doesn't know what else to say. Or, hes spiked the drink cos he desperately needs sex. This tactic usually fails when it takes the guy 5 minutes to fight through the crowd to reach the bartender, 5 minutes to attract the overworked bartender's attention, 5 minutes to get the drink and pay for it, and 5 minutes to fight his way back. That gives the girl 20 minutes to escape the obnoxious offender.

2) The "Say It With Handphone"
I see this very often. Guy pretends that the girl can't hear what hes saying so uses his handphone to text out some cheese pickup line, then thrusts the phone in her face. Fact is, he simply doesn't have the guts to talk to her face to face. Dickless.

3) The "Slide In And Grind"
Common too. The guy just moves in and attempts to dance with the girl while, to all appearances, ignores the fact that the girl is about 10 centimeters away from him. He only acknowledges her presence when she doesn't turn around and slap him, as most decent girls would do. Whereupon he slimes her. This only works on drunk girls and sluts, so it might as well not work at all.

4) The "Look, Wink, Smile and Pray"
Look at girl, look away, look at girl, look away, look at girl, look away. If girl looks back wink and smile. Then pray and pray and pray that she smiles back. Whereupon it'll take the guy another 5 minutes of vicious smiling before he gathers up the courage to talk to her.

Now, the 5th way, and as far as I can tell, it works best.

5) The "Six second rule"
Theres a six second rule that states that when food is dropped on the floor, it takes 6 secs for the germs to climb onto the food, so long as you pick it up within 6 secs, you can still eat it safely. I'm not refering to that rule. I'm refering to the rule that states when you see a girl you're interested in, you approach her within 6 secs. Just enough time to catch her eye and smile, at least. Main thing is, you need confidence for this. But hey, most girls would find confidence sexy. If you strike out, hey, you didn't waste any time, so its kinda win-win.

I suppose if you looked like Takashi Kaneshiro or Bae Yong Jun (did i spell that right? I'm going from memory.) you could just sneeze and a thousand gorgeous women will be there proferring silk hankies, but since most of us are not, hey. At least don't be wimps, all right, men?

Even chatting up girls can be an art, if you're good at it.

I would write more, except that I've been sitting too long, and theres really bad circulation in my bad leg. The tight bandages kinda keeps the fluid in my feet if i don't raise it above heart level from time to time. Ciao.

posted by Đirestraits @ 8:41 pm